Those Annoying Christmas Letters and Other Writings

From the author of THE CLIMATE CAPER, Garth Paltridge brings us his latest quick-witted composition. A goodly fraction of the Christmas cards my wife and I receive each year come with an attached circular letter. They make me so jealous. Invariably they tell of interesting overseas trips, of job promotions beyond the dreams of avarice, of relatives who have done marvellous things, and of great and weighty problems successfully overcome. Generally they speak of happy and interesting lifestyles beyond anything I could ever hope to lie about with any chance of success. Add to which, some of them are impossibly long and detailed. To be fair, one has to admit that a circular letter is a handy device for dodging the writing of personal notes on each Christmas card. So a couple of decades ago we (essentially the royal 'we' here because a certain Kay Paltridge had a lot of impertinent comment to make both at the time and since) hit upon a cunning plan. We would reluctantly adopt the modern practice of composing circular letters to go with our Christmas cards, but would ensure that they contained no personal information whatsoever, or indeed anything at all of any real substance. That'd show'em! Mind you, I'm not quite sure what we thought it would show'em, but it must have seemed significant back then. Examples of the output of the policy are presented herein. The idea of putting them together came from a number of the recipients, who no doubt believe that it is about time others could see the drivel they have had to put up with over the years, and who will get a kick out of seeing the author of the drivel making a public fool of himself.