The Gaffer

It's January 1989. Neighbours rules the screens, Madchester bosses the airwaves, Lineker, Barnes, Gazza and Co are lording it on the football field, and there's a fresh wave of optimism breezing through the nation. Not everyone's happy though. Thomas Bamford, known disparagingly to all as Tam Bam, is an angry man. He may have pride in his hometown on the Isle of Guff - situated 30 miles off Cornwall - but he hates everyone on it. And the feeling's mutual as he's spent most of his 47 years gorging on pasties and Lucozade (he's a good twelve stone overweight) while cursing and whinging about his never-ending ailments. The only thing Tam lives for is Guff Rovers, his local fourth division football team. Though you'd be hard-pushed to call him a fan. Despite never missing a game, his brutal and unrepentant abuse from the sidelines makes him a menace to the struggling side and a nightmare to anyone sitting near him. And don't get him started on Cockney manager Gary Pullman and silver-spooned owner Gus Pinkle as he really, really hates them. Tam's miserable existence flips when he discovers his AWOL father struck it rich in the Middle East before kicking the bucket and has left him £5million. After trying to buy Manchester United (he claims to be a childhood penpal of Alex Ferguson), Tam settles for a majority share in Guff Rovers, installing himself as the gaffer. Tam, though, is dangerously out of his depth, sacking the entire team and buying in a hodgepodge of journeymen including a cleaner, a kebab van owner, a caber toss champion, and half of Swindon Town's reserves. The club quickly spirals out of control teetering towards their first relegation into non-league football in their 99-year history and financial ruin as Tam Bam learns there's more to football management - and life itself - than he ever realised.